Do You Always Get the Short End of the Stick in Your Relationship?
Do you feel that you give more than you take in your love relationship? What should the balance between giving and taking really be?
Are you only giving and is he or she only taking? How can you tell? (jlp)
Do you keep asking yourself whether you love your partner more than he or she loves you? Do you have a feeling that you invest in your relationship far more than he or she does? Do you feel that in your compromises you always get the short end of the stick? Do such feelings appear also in your relationships with other people? If the answer is “no”, then it's quite possible that your love relationship doesn't function the way it should. When we start to harbour this kind of doubts, we become burdened with negative energy and we start to grow distant and begin to move away from both our partner and the relationship. We always keep paying attention to whether we receive as much as we give. We're afraid of being betrayed and disappointed if we're the ones to love our partner more. Nobody wishes to give more than he or she gets in return.
A good compromise should make both partners happy. (jlp)
Do you give more than you receive?
Before you accuse your partner of not being loving enough, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. First, focus on how you feel at the moment, whether your life is what you want it to be, and whether it's possible that you simply project your dissatisfaction with some other area of your life into your relationship. Do you feel loved when your partner isn't around? If not, what do you think may be the reason for this? Do you accept yourself? Are you conscious of your admirable characteristics? Does your love depend on your partner's love? Do you do a lot of things only for the sake of your partner, things you wouldn't want to do if it weren't for him or her? Are you doing them because you're afraid of losing your partner's love? And what are your expectations? Do you expect to receive anything from your partner? Do you ever tell him or her about what you want?
Making compromises doesn't mean giving up one's whole personality. (jlp)
Where's the limit to making compromises?
In a relationship, we're supposed to make some compromises. Long-time couples notice several changes in their relationship that occur over time. Arguments and quarrels become more intense, more honest, and above all more tiring. If the partners don't know how to make good compromises, it seems that nobody gets what they want. New and new compromises are made, but these just patch up holes in communication and accepting each other. Sometimes it's the failing compromises that make us doubt the authenticity of love or even the relationship itself. Even though we aren't happy with the compromises we make, we cling to them, because we wish to preserve our love.
In the name of love we can sacrifice ourselves beyond any rational limits. Making compromises means forgetting about yourself and working on the relationship instead. But this can be completely nonsensical. If we forget about ourselves and about what we want, then our relationship isn't worth a single compromise. A relationship isn't an engine, the partners are the engine in a relationship. Divesting oneself of all for love leads to resentment and negative emotions. In the long haul, submitting oneself to the wishes of somebody else doesn't serve anybody. If we lose ourselves, we are left with nothing to give to another person. Our contribution to the growth and the expansion of the relationship is thus questionable.
A good relationship should make you feel good, not bad. (jlp)
Some guidelines on how to find out whether you're making too many bad compromises
Has the amount of time you spend together become drastically smaller, even though you have been struggling to achieve the opposite? What do you think should happen if you did the things you like to do and let your partner do their things? Are you afraid of risking your relationship by demanding more space for yourself and more autonomy? Do you see yourself and your partner as two separate individuals who decided to stay together, or do you primarily feel obligations and duties to your partner? Do you believe the true expression of love to be the sacrificing of oneself? If you've answered at least two questions in the affirmative, it's high time you talked to your partner.
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