Forget about Past Resentment!

3.11.2011 | By: I. M.

What to do since you cannot travel back in time and change the course of your mutual history for the possible better?

When a past resentment tends to pop up continuously and is a heavy burden on the relationship, the partners could end in a precarious situation. (PhotoXpress)

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An Unresolved Past Resentment Can Make a Relationship Suffer

When a past resentment pops up continuously and keeps on putting a heavy strain on your relationship, the partners could end up in a precarious situation since the past can sadly not be altered. It might be a case of ex-partners, infidelity, particular occurrences or actions that a partner has committed, certain situations you just can’t leave behind; all of these matters can bring on the curse of a past resentment which can negatively affect or even destroy a relationship that would otherwise have been a stable and happy one. The problem is that wounds which should have healed long ago burst open very easily whenever a peculiar blast from the past knocks on your door. Certain scars need quite a lot of time to disappear but the day when all the shakes and stirs can finally be forgotten must dawn, so a relationship can blossom once again devoid of any bitterness.

To Err is Human

This idiom dates back to Ancient Rome and Cicero, and had been anglicized by Alexander Pope: “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Or how about the Gospel of John (8:1-11): “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.” According to these quotes, it appears to be clear that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes from time to time. It is understandable if you say something mean or react impulsively when you’re hurt, yet it’s crucial to let the emotional storm pass and listen to a sincere apology when the smoke has cleared. A partner who has “swung and missed” has to be patient and persistent when offering an apology, whereby the party that had been offended should determine on his or her own for how long the erring partner should “pay” for his past offences. Should the “punishment” be executed over an excessive period of time, the punished could give up and thus the relationship could slowly but surely crumble. It is necessary that both parties involved do their best to get through the predicament.

To Forgive or To Leave?

Everybody knows their own limits when it comes to enduring, getting over, or forgetting about a certain painful issue. When the pain is too strong the love you shared before could change into alienation, grief, or even hate. Should this be the case, it would be next to impossible to turn the strained relationship into a healthy one again. A lot of people can’t take the pressure that such circumstances subject them to and just leave. But if it would be a shame to waste a relationship that could actually be worth saving, the cause of resentment should definitely be cast back into the past with the help of a sincere, long and cleansing talk, and never be mentioned again. Certain people can make their peace with the past only after they had given their partner a taste of their own medicine. Yet, retaliation can quickly turn into a sword that cuts both ways. What is most important is to remain true to oneself no matter what!

How to Let a Past Resentment go and Move on?

After an emotional storm, the playing field is open for sanity and reason. Now you can find a solution. If you decide to forgive your partner and keep the relationship going, the best thing to do next is to sit down and have a long, sincere discussion. Tell your partner how and why they’ve hurt you so much and make it clear to them that you need all of their support and understanding in order to cleanse your feelings about the past from any negativity whatsoever. There is no need to feel guilty if it takes longer than you had expected to get rid of all the wistfulness and anger. If the past event in question is never brought up again, the pain will undoubtedly disappear some day.

What Should the Guilty Party do?

The partner who had been the cause of all trouble is the one carrying the heaviest load of responsibility for the relationship to be patched up. They have to be prepared to be understanding and to comfort the other whenever they are feeling down. What is more, they have to be able to find kind and sincere words without exception and to be prepared to have a heartfelt apology ready whenever the need for it arises. Unfortunately, the guilty party is not allowed any right to tell his or her partner how they should feel. They also have to remain patient if their partner acts distant and cold during what is otherwise perceived as a happy occasion. You should focus on preventing the cause or causes that had led to a past resentment and never allow it to be an issue again. Should you fail, the relationship in question could be doomed. Continuing to apologize and offer love and affection will pay off sooner or later and the relationship will be free to grow again, while the past resentment will belong exclusively to the past from that point on.