How Important Is Sexual Fidelity?

30.11.2009 | By: S. S.

Is there a good reason why we keep emphasizing sexual fidelity?

Sexual fidelity is a perennial dream of humanity that seldom comes true. (jlp)

Sexual fidelity is one of those indelible dreams of humanity that resurface again and again, although they rarely materialize. However, this doesn't make sexual fidelity a false belief. On the contrary, it’s the backbone, or the framework of the gentle material from which love is made. Its feelings and moods fluctuate like the weather in April. Anyone in love would like to savor the precious moment forever, and thus craves for sexual fidelity.

The foundations of one's sexual fidelity are raised in one's childhood

Deeper reasons can be found in the cultural environment of one's early childhood, that is in the exclusive and physical bond between a mother and her child. The model of the first relationship in one's life forms the basis for all other models and the latter have to meet its standards. In some cultures, however, the bond between a mother and a child isn't really exclusive, as strong collective bonds are forged beyond the limits of one’s biological family. In such cultures, all women feel responsible for other people’s children, and children feel attached to the mothers of other children too. As a result, they aren’t familiar with the form of jealousy that we experience.

Jealousy is the consequence of an extremely strong childhood bond to only one woman – one's mother. (jlp)

When you truly want to have somebody only for yourself

The dark side of sexual fidelity is jealousy. While fidelity attempts to preserve all that is beautiful forever, jealousy rejects anything that could pose a threat to this permanence, particularly competition. Sexual fidelity and jealousy can thus be seen as two (inseparable) sides of the same coin. They are both the result of a baby's demand made to his or her mother, the demand for exclusive intimacy and possession, which is repeated by grown-up people who pose it to their partners. They’re afraid of losing their sexual partner should they share him or her with others.

Sexual fidelity and jealousy are two sides of the same coin. (jlp)

Why is sexual fidelity taken for granted?

Sexual fidelity is the natural consequence of falling in love and until you’re infatuated, you have no problems with it. That’s why fresh couples pledge sexual fidelity to each other with such ease. They don’t find it difficult to keep the promise. However, once love fades and no longer feels as exclusive, things change. If there are other potential sexual partners around who would perhaps be worthy of one's love, or their appearance simply happens to be attractive, the opportunity they represent can turn into love and, at the same time, infidelity. Because exclusiveness is the rule, sexual fidelity is quickly transferred from one partner to another.

Most people are "blackmailers"

In most cases, sexual infidelity is the reason for jealousy, separation and the start of a new relationship, as we tend to respond to it with the attitude “him/her or me" – we put pressure on our partners to make a decision. Thus a new relationship is established, with new pledges of sexual fidelity and new risks. A game with no end to it until you start to believe in the image of a couple who cannot stand any additions or competition.

A relationship based on the idea of sexual fidelity doesn’t tolerate exceptions to its exclusiveness. On no condition. (jlp)

It seems that sexual fidelity is set in our mind and that among all the alternatives it’s the most familiar and the easiest.

When does sexual fidelity become non-functional?

Sexual fidelity becomes a kind of armor or a spasm when it isn't based on love. Of course, it’s possible to advocate the view that fidelity is obligatory or advisable even in such cases and that a marriage is a value in itself, also because of the task of caring for children, retaining the safe social position and ageing together. In that context, sexual fidelity can be used as a safeguard against the excessive fluctuation of love emotions. On the other hand, if these emotions are completely gone, sexual fidelity is just a shaking skeleton where there's no flesh or blood left, and easily turns into something that resembles a prison.