How to Tell Her the Relationship Is Over?

4.08.2011 | By: T. P.

Here you can find some useful advice on how to break up a relationship and tell your partner you don’t love her any more. Do that in the best possible way.

If you and your partner live together, be a man and move somewhere else after ending the relationship. (PhotoXpress)

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Men are strange beings. Women always reproach us for not having feelings, for not being intuitive and for relying too much on reason. But when it comes to love, we are anything but rational. When we fall in love, we don’t do it with reason, at least not in most cases. And when we fall out of love, we usually can’t tell the precise reason why it happened. The more we look inside of us, the less we know. We don’t know what's going on, but we do know something's gone. It’s quite confusing.

Women are the ones who need answers, they are the ones who can see love very rationally. They feel the need to assess and analyze every situation. Everything’s important. For them, love consists of small things and they feel the greatest pain if they get no explanation. That's why we must come up with a good reason before telling our partner the relationship is over.

If we want to be really good, we blame ourselves, our own lack of seriousness and maturity, our social environment, our job, our lack of time. But this approach has disadvantages. Your partner can start believing she can help you and that “deep down” you still love her.

That's why it’s the best to simply tell the truth, or something that we can always accept as the truth, like: ”You’re a great girl, but I can’t see a future for us. I think you deserve someone better.“ You don’t need to use these exact words. It’s all about providing her the answers she feels she needs. ”I do love you, but in a different way. I can feel that you want something else and I don’t know how to give you the love you deserve. I can't make you happy as it is.“

You have to let her know that you loved her. This will take away her doubts that you only used her. You must also convince her that she’s not to blame that the love is gone and that it clearly wasn't meant to be. Try to make her believe that she wasn't satisfied with your relationship, too, and that breaking up is thus the best for both of you.

Every reason is good and better than none, even if it’s a bad one. If there is actually quite an absurd reason for your wanting to end the relationship and you know the woman would never understand it, then better think of a better reason for leaving her.

If she’s gained weight, if you hate her haircut, if you've met her horrible mother and the thought of the future scares the hell out of you, if you just don’t fancy her anymore, if you've found out she doesn’t clean her ears and that she snores, keep all these details to yourself and offer her instead the universal truth mentioned above. Even if she’s begging you in tears, never tell her the truth.

There are two reasons why you shouldn't. First of all, the thing you think is the reason (one of the banalities we've mentioned) for your wanting to leave your partner probably isn't the whole truth, but only a catalyst, where there are other, deeper problems at work, but you only notice this after some time. Second, your girlfriend isn't really interested in the truth, she's only interested in something that will bring her peace of mind and that will allow her to avoid the pain.

Yes, we must treat the wound, but we shouldn't open it and poke around inside it. Only a doctor can do this, not the person responsible for inflicting the wound. If you stick a knife into someone and you leave it inside them, he or she has a very good chance of survival. But if you turn and pull the knife out, the person's almost certainly dead. Remember: time heals all wounds.

How to tell her it's over?

When your decision seems final, choose the appropriate moment to inform your partner the relationship is over. Holidays and anniversaries are inappropriate! You have to take into account also sickness or death in the family, of course. Moreover, it’s useful to know where her best friend is at the moment - will he or she be available to your partner? Never tell her it's over in a public place or in front of people. Wait until you’re alone, preferably at her place, where she'll feel safe.

Make a not too theatrical introduction. “Honey, could you sit down? I have something serious to tell you!“ might be a bit too much. It’s a good idea to fake something similar to feeling pain and sadness (if you really feel it, so much the better). Then she’ll ask you what’s wrong and the conversation is already going in the right direction.

If the girl is very emotional and really has strong feelings for you, expect a flood of tears and after that a number of questions that can’t be answered, like: “Why…?“ A very risky move is hugging and comforting her. Every girl is something special, so you have to be prepared for everything.

When you have nothing more to say, it’s best to leave. When you close the door, send a text message to her best friend immediately, so he or she'll know your ex needs them. Don’t call because that’ll mean listening to pointless accusations that you don’t need at that moment.

Telling people we don’t love them is extremely hard. A “real” man does it in such a way that he causes the least amount of pain possible and assigns all the blame to himself, even if he feels this isn’t absolutely necessary.