Fucking, having sex and making love. How, when and with whom?

9.08.2011 | By: Alex F.

Fucking isn’t sex and sex becomes making love? Does making love require complex emotions, while fucking doesn’t?

Fucking and sex can be very different. Lovemaking is a story of its own. (PhotoXpress)

Join us on Facebook!

I presume you know where I’m going with the title. Sex with a stranger, sex in wedlock or sex with a pregnant woman. The main difference is in the way we treat the other person, whom we view as a sexual object, or much more than just an object of desire. It all depends on our stakes and what we expect from intercourse, if we expect anything at all. Sometimes this is enough, but sometimes we can’t keep our emotions bottled up and soon one type of sexual union is replaced by another. How does this happen, you may well ask.

This is about placing sex in a so-called psychometric approach to the definition of love. This approach is based on studying several couples or people, who describe the main characteristics of their love to various objects of love (parents, partners, children) with the aid of scales and questionnaires. Researchers have tried to answer two basic groups of questions. The first group deals with the similarities and differences between various types of love. They wanted to find out if types of love have anything in common or if they’re completely different.

The second group of questions deals with love as a process, where they observed the same people but for an extended period. Psychometrically inclined authors, unlike the ones dealing with psychoanalysis and humanistic sciences, don’t deal with extreme groups (Fromm dealt strictly with neurotic people, Maslow with distinctively “healthy” people), but they try to show how an average person sees love in a certain culture. They don’t use some previously known assumptions of what love is supposed to be like, but leave this decision to the people they study or to the results of the research.

Fucking is less than sex, is less than making love

Sternberg and Grajak tried to find out whether different types of love had anything in common. They found out that different types of love we experience are actually the same, only the factors that accompany them are different (sexual desire, feeling of responsibility, wish for affection, the type and expressiveness of communication). Psychometricians have discovered individual differences and called them love styles. Be careful, there’s a big chance that you started fucking, then got to sex and in between did neither of the two, but were n fact making love. You made love in the sense that you also used all the nice thoughts and associations to the person you were doing it with, not only your body. You were not only in the present with your thoughts, but also in the future.

Complex emotions aren’t required for fucking, but they are required for making love

Erotica, for example, contains a strong physical attraction. It is a very intense form of love accompanied by a strong sense of commitment to the partner. On the other hand, “the game” describes a style where love represents a game to two partners, which means that there are no deep emotions felt on either side and there’s also no attempt to evoke emotions from the other party. A big characteristic here is the frequent exchange of partners. With the “friendship” relationship, the boundaries between friendship and love are gone, the love isn’t fiery, but it’s solid, real and relatively long-lasting. The lovemaking we are talking about here is pragmatic. This style contains a reasonable attitude towards love and is focused on the qualities we want in a partner. The whole process of searching is subjugated to this. “Obsession” represents a style which contains various "symptoms of love”, like insomnia, lack of concentration, jealousy, suffering and other things. All these symptoms are based on insecurity in yourself and lack of trust in your partner. This is especially characteristic of adolescence (puberty).

Is it possible to join obsession with lovemaking, or does it necessarily go hand in hand with fucking and sex? Seeing as love paralyses, especially when growing up, I think that fucking is the form of action here and sex comes along in time. There are many factors that affect your performance during intercourse. But in this flood of emotions, there’s always space to think, after which you will either laugh or think about the interesting things you did.